Egyptian Rivers

I think I ususally do a pretty good job of making it seem like I’m holding everything together. And sometimes I almost fool myself into thinking that too. But then things bubble up, and the facade cracks.

That happened today. I was sitting with the choir in front of the congregation when Pastor introduced a new baby who was attending his first service. Typically, babies don’t get to me, and it was fine. But then he asked what it felt like to be a new dad. From the back of the church, the man answered, “It’s awesome.” I almost lost it right there in front of everyone, and even now when I type this it brings tears to my eyes.

I want J.P. to feel that awe. Heck, I want to feel that awe! Well, not the awe of being a father, but you know what I mean. The awe of holding that little bundle of promise and love. And watching it grow into a real person that thinks, talks, laughs, and eventually smashes Mommy and Daddy’s car.

Usually I keep these feelings behind a locked door in my brain and heart. I don’t even open it so I can think about them, much less express them to anyone else. Oh, they sneak out occasionally, but then I cram them back in and quickly slam the door. But maybe it’s time to consciously start working through them in an effort to figure out what we should do before it’s too late. I don’t want to wake up six years from now and decide it’s time to adopt, and then find out that we’re too old.

We love our life, and it’s really easy to just keep going along the way we have been. I’m not looking forward to getting on the adoption roller coaster. Getting our hopes up, only to have them dashed because of the big red “C” hanging around my neck. Or worse yet, getting down the path only to have that big red C come raging back inside my body. What then?

In a way, I feel like I’m being overly dramatic. (Welcome to my pity party, would you like an hors de oeuvre?) I think some of my fears could be calmed if we started to research the adoption idea, and we were dealing with facts instead of what if’s. So maybe that’s the next step . . . talking with people who’ve adopted to find out where and how to start. Stay tuned . . . I’m sure this won’t be my last post on this topic.

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